It's amazing how my last post was almost a year ago. Crazy. I guess just lost interest in LJ for a moment there. Hmm. But that's life I guess. IDK. we'll see where this goes. Maybe  I'll just randomly post stuff here. See, On December 30th - 31st 2009, I decided that I would write one journal entry everyday for a year. I'm six months in. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?! I'm actually committing to something. It's insane, I know. Anywhoo, that's why I don't write on LJ anymore. But who knows. Like I said, I might randomly post something here every now and then. We'll see. As for now . . . HAPPY SUMMER

I am back in school *applause applause*. Before I get into telling the LJ world about my first week as a 2nd Year college student *applause*, I feel the need to reflect on my summer. I need to do so because, the real reason why I use LJ is for me. It's selfish, I know, but I quite enjoy looking back through my entries and thinking about how much I've grown as a person.

If my summer can be summed up to one word, it would definitely be "different". Summer of 2009 has got to be the most enlightening summer of my thus far. Enlightening does not necessarily mean that I was thrilled about being enlightened. I dare say, the process  was painful. Emotionally and mentally painful. But like a lot of stories, mine has a good ending (just like the way I like it).

Friends. This summer I had more time to think about my friends. So many things have happened with them that I can't just type them all up. My friends have changed. They, as people, haven't changed, but I guess their lives have. I'm not going to get into it, but the result of all these changes is me being alone for the majority of the summer. In order to live with myself, I had to get over my insecurities of being alone. Alone, I was able to think. Think about people, environment, and myself. Thinking should come with a caution sign, for people should know what they're getting themselves into.

Anyways, I've learned the sad truth that there comes a time when I can't be in all my friends' lives all the time. I can't explain it clearly, but I'm going to try. As we meet new people, we tend to get attached to them (that's how we get our friends). As we accumulate people in our lives, some people we've met before have to take a backseat. I understand this now. You can't always be number 1 in your friend's list of priorities. We all just have to accept the fact that this happens and one day, if you really are friends, these friends will come back and things will be back to normal, if not better.

I've also learned to let go. "I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes you have to let go of some people", my friend told me this summer after I told him my dismay about how my friends seem to be all over the place. At the time, I couldn't accept this fact. Now that I've spent a lot of time with different types of people (while my friends had  their own lives going on), I' ve learned that it's perfectly okay to grow apart. Why? Because that's LIFE. If, God willing, that friends find their way back to each other, then praise the Lord and treasure that moment. Life happens. I learned that I HAVE TO LET IT HAPPEN.

Though few, my happy summer days were amazing. This summer, I had the honor of having lunch with one of my heroes, hiking by the beach, having late night drives with my friend, having great conversations with people I wouldn't normally have conversations with, and discovering a secret beach.

I also had the pleasure to go to the Van's Warped Tour for the very first time. It was unbelievable amazing. Being in an environment where everyone is there for the music is beyond words. I'm definitely going back next year. It was definitely an experience.

Towards the end of summer, I was lucky enough to be able to see The Script in concert. Parachute opened for them and they were nowhere short of amazing. Oui. My friend and I also got a spot really near the stage. Live music will forever be a major part of my life. There is something about being in the same environment as the band you were just singing along with in you iPod. Amazing. It's so surreal.

Oh and I also want to share the last two days of my summer because I think it's just a perfect conclusion to my enlightening/different/life changing summer. Two days before I left for school, a few of my friends (Artie, Ana, Vicky, and Carlos) invited Bonnie and I to have one last bonfire in The Secret Beach. It was an amazing night. Waves crashing, the flames dancing, the stars twinkling, and the ocean breeze kissing my cheeks every once in a while. Ahhh just thinking about it makes me smile and feel so content. When I was sitting there facing the ocean, I thought to myself, "despite the 'bad' parts of my summer, I am so lucky to have this moment".

The night before I left, my friend picked me up and we just drove around the city. Simple yet satisfying. Talking with him always make me feel lighter, like there is nothing to worry about.

That was my summer. Emotional yet satisfying.

There comes a time when we need to figure "it" out. When we don't know what's going on with other people and most importantly, ourselves. This a time for learning. This is a time for reinvention. Then after all that hard work, we all look back, and see that we can start fresh. All over again.

I haven't been doing a great job on being optimistic lately. I haven't living up to the things I've been preaching to myself. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but for just this once, I'm going to let the enemy win. As I've learned by reading "Tuesdays with Morrie", we wall need to experience "it" then detach ourselves from "it".

Summer nights are when all thoughts seem to find its way to my mind. Tonight the winner is the idea of mediocrity and how I am very familiar with it.

It's true, I'm not a failure. That doesn't mean, under any circumstances, that I've exceeded in life. My life consists school, friends and family. I looked at all of them piece by piece.

School:
I finished my first year of college with a GPA of 3.35. It's good but not exactly Dean's Lists material. I know I'm not a great student. Yes, I get lucky every once in while with a few 100s, but those are not consistent. Even my SAT score wasn't amazing. I've NEVER passed an AP exam. All together, grades-wise, I did what I could to pass. I passed just never top scholar.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "but come on Muriel. There are other things about school like your public speaking skills and your relationship with people". I take pride in both those things, but they (like everything else in my life) need improvement. I give people crap when I up there speaking. Never have I felt "they've got to listen to me!". I don't know how but I have to improve in that area. As for the people, in these case teachers, I've interacted with, I can't say that I'm the student they'll remember in the long run. I don't blame them. I haven't done anything amazing or life changing. I don't even know if the teacher I look up to the most is even proud of me. I mean, LOOK AT ME, all the freaking support in the world and I haven't gotten far. I'm just .... here. You know what I mean? ARG I need to step it up.

Family:
I am a mediocre daughter. There is no doubt about that. At least the school category  can be up for debate. This category is not. I can't say that I'm a shitty kid, because there are kids out there who far worst things than I do. Like in school, I just pass. I don't bring home amazing awards, I don't go to a prestigious university, I have no talent, and I can't even be a sweet kid. I just get by. It's hard to explain but I'm still working on being a great daughter for my parents who deserve the best. Mom and Dad have been through so much and one day I hope to repay them. One day.

I've never been close to my sister. We're just there. Sure, we talk and we laugh together occassionally but I know for a fact I could do better. I just don't know how yet.

Friends:
This one is the most difficult one to admit. For years now, I've told myself that I'm a great friend. I can make friends like it's the easiest thing in the world. Making friends is easier than keeping them. I know that now. Like everything else, I just pass. How do I know I pass? Well I don't make people hate me. I try to keep my record squeeky clean and this sometimes results into paranoia. I have this itching urge to make sure that everything is "cool" with me and my friends. I need to know everything. Why? To make it seem like I can fix it. Let's face it, I rarely fix things. At the moment, I'm not exactly exceeding in this category. For the past few days I've been hiding. I've lost myself. The one thing I can really be proud of, just slipped. I really don't know

I guess that's it for my ramblings. I hope I get better at this so called life. I just want to be great at something, especially at those at matter so much to me. I just need, like my good friend told me, a "mental makeover"

Good morning world. I hope today is better.

Michael Jackson died yesterday in UCLA. He was an awesome entertainer. I hope people join me in sending positive vibes to his family and friends.

This thought is a bit scary. I've had it before but this time I'm going to write it down. I was thinking about the people I've met in my life. No, to be more specific, the people that I believe to be close to me. People who have made an impact on my life. As days, months, years go by, we all meet new people. That's great! I love meeting new people. Then sometimes (like tonight) I think about the people I've met in the past, some are what I consider my friends now. Like me, they are meeting new people.

I know the following sentences is going to make me seem self-centered, but please hear me out. As the people I care about move on with their lives, they're going to meet new people too.

The scary thought is: what if one day they just put you in the back burner and BAM! You're then merely acquaintances It happens. How do I know? I know because once upon a time I thought I had friends that will be with me for the rest of my life. Now they're just people living separate lives. We have what I dread-- small talk.

I'm not only talking about your peers. I'm talking about teachers, cousins, coaches, etc. People move on.

People move on and they have to make room for new things that come their way.

Do you get why that's scary?

Maybe it's just me. I don't know. Just another random late night thought.

Yeah, random thoughts come to mind late at night. I can't help it.
You know when people say "live your life like today is your last day", well I was thinking about it and yes it does seem a good thing to live by. I mean, we'll all die eventually so we have to make the best out of today. If we thought that way, like REALLY thought that way, we wouldn't get any work done right? Like if today was your last day, would really be finishing up that paper work or do something else? If today was your last day, would you be sitting in class?

This got me really sad. I mean, I want to live my life to the fullest, but I still want to be productive. I guess it's just the way you work it out in your mind.

Example:

You're at work/school. You're sitting there, being productive. Just as long as you're productive then do it.  Do it because you know it's WORTH IT. You will have crappy days (that's a given), but if you keep having crappy days everyday, then move on. Get up and move on to something WORTH IT. I believe that if you're doing something YOU KNOW is worthy of your attention and time, then by golly DO IT! You know why? Because if today was your last day, then wouldn't you want to know that you did something valuable -- that meant something to you.

Being productive doesn't mean you're wasting your life. It's making something out of life.

Another thing, just be good. Whatever that may mean to you. BE GOOD TO OTHERS AND TO YOURSELF.

Ask yourself, why am I doing this? If you like the answer and you think you'd never regret it, then move forward

In the end, we all want to look back and say "Damn, that was an awesome life".

Sometimes I want to show vulnerability and break down, just to see who can piece me back together. Not today though, but someday.

It's my situation/current life going down the toilet. Yeah how fun. I need to get out of this emo stage, but damn it's hard.

As of Thursday May 21st, 7:30pm, I have officially finished my first year of college. *sigh*. Packing was not as crazy as I thought and I started packing the night before. As people started leaving that Thursday, tears started going. I had an amazing time in college, especially in the dorms. My new friends that I've met in SDSU will forever have a piece of my heart. I know it sounds cheesy, but I can honestly say that they have taught me something about the world and about myself. I feel so blessed to be placed at that certain place and time where I met them. Some of them I will see again in three months. Some of them I might never see again. The bottom line is, I'm sincerely thankful that I've met them. I feel sorry for the people who never will.

Besides the amazing people I've met, I feel obligated to share some of my experiences/lessons with the world:

 #1: Don't panic when your paper is due in a few hours. I've started writing term papers at 12am, turned them in time and have not gotten anything lower than an 85. Whatever happens, you'll be fine.

#2: Be spontaneous. Some of my most memorable experiences sprouted from unplanned things.

#3: Know your limit. If you don't know it yet, well be prepared for an "awesome" morning.

#4: Bring a cart for move-in day and move-out day. Trust me on that one.

#5: Read the damn books you spent hundreds of dollars on. READ THEM!!!

#6: Shower shoes/flip flops are a must. NO EXCEPTIONS!

#7: You will get used to walking down the hallway with just a bathrobe on.

#8: Alarm clocks are you're best friends in disguise.

#9: Don't take classes earlier than 9am and/or later than 7pm

#10: College is a whirl wind of people. Be prepared to meet all sorts of them.

So much has happened in only 9 months. I learned so much from the classrooms and a lot more from the people I've met. I think I've also grown-up in some sort of weird way. I can't really explain. All I know is my college experience was like a drug . . . I want more!